He’s clearly really into me, but says he’s not ready for anything serious. What do I do?
I met someone about six months ago, we hit it off, had major chemistry, and verbalized all of our feelings from the get go.His words and actions demonstrated that he was VERY into me. He did have a lot of baggage– a child,an ex-wife, and a very demanding job. Long story short, he freaked out and realized things were moving way too quickly for him (which by the way were moved at this pace by him). I was so SURE that it would turn into a relationship, but I was so wrong. It is hard for me to trust my gut now. I know that I had a hand in this by pursuing someone who was not fully available and thus being able to keep my walls up at the same time, but I was willing to take the risk. I have dated other guys since but still can’t get him out of my head/heart. We have recently started communicating again, but he has made it pretty clear that although he is still into me, he just isn’t ready for something serious. Is this really it? Would it be different if he were the right person? I know I probably need to move on but I keep holding on to how strongly we felt at the beginning. Where do I go from here?
This Sucks. This sucks this sucks this suuuuuuuuucks. Did we mention how much this sucks? We know this sucks with total confidence because we are
currently going through almost the exact same scenario. (More precisely, Simone is going through it, and Ariel mine as well be too because she’s obligated to
continually listen, analyze and console throughout the process. That’s what besties are for!).
What blows is that there is clearly a deep connection between you two. That isn’t always easy to find. Yet something in him is resistant to prioritizing and nurturing that connection. The kids, ex and job of course play a part in his resistances, but we suspect that this is more of a psychological and emotional issue rather than a circumstantial one. These blocks typically don’t show themselves in the early phases. But at some point—usually when confronted with the possibility of deeper intimacy and vulnerability—they tend to rear their ugly heads. Unfortunately, there is absolutely nothing you can do about this. It’s not your fault and it’s not personal. He will have to do his own work to overcome whatever issues he has around relationship. The bottom line for you is that he’s not ready. You can’t change that. It sucks so hard, but you have to let him go.
The process for actually doing this can be a real bitch. There are a few methods that can help: Communicate clearly: Next time you talk let him know how you’re really truly feeling. Don’t pretend you are okay with just a tiny bit of connection if you aren’t. If you still feel love for him you can absolutely tell him. Let him know how his leaving felt, and the process you are in now. Give him clear information so you know your side of the street is clean. This will help you move on.
Energetic Visualization: If you’re constantly thinking of him, practice severing your energetic connection. Whenever he pops into your mind, imagine his image in pink light and then let him float away like a cloud from your energy field. This way you are sending him on with love (pink light) but not attaching to him. You may have to do this a hundred times a day. Eventually, it will be less and less. This practice is not out of malice for him (he’s not a bad guy, just limited) but out of love and care for yourself.
Distracting: Keep distracting yourself with other romances. We know they may all feel flat at first, but it’s important to continue to have sexy flirty experiences as you process this loss. Indulge in your beauty, your sensual body, and your magnetic spirit. Let other men remind you how awesome and how desirable you truly are. You may not settle on any of them or you may meet your next romantic partner. Either way the point is to keep providing yourself with experiences that reinforce the message that this guy is not the only fish in the sea, you are eternally lovable and desirable, and it’s actually really fun to be free and unattached. One day you won’t be, but for now, keep reveling in the freedom, adventure and spontaneity singlehood gives you.
Trust and Faith: Remember that you don’t yet know the meaning of this affair. That information hasn’t yet been revealed. It can only become clear over time. Continue to trust in Divine Timing—the principal that states all events happen in perfect time, even if we can’t see the meaning. Things fall into place or fall away according to a divine plan. The best thing we can do is to trust the ride and walk through the doors that are opening, and walk away from the doors that shut, knowing that it’s all going to be very much okay, no matter what happens.
In terms of your gut, don’t be too quick to dismiss it. You were lead to this man for a reason. He is a teacher for you. Even if the lesson is still murky and painful, it still has some important meaning. Again, you don’t know what the meaning is yet. Trust that it will eventually become clear.
And lastly, know that you will fall in love again. You will. You will. You will. That is absolutely true. You have love in your heart to give. It’s impossible that that love will not attract more love. There is an unbending energetic principal that states “like attracts like”. So when you feel pain, let yourself feel it and then move on to sensing and seeing that beautiful glow of love in your heart. Send it out into the space around you and let it be the beacon that brings you your next romantic adventure. It will happen. We know it. Trust us. Trust yourself. You’re right on course.